I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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