I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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