I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
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