I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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