even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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