have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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