I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
