i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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