I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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