Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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