My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
