Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
