i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
