I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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