she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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