He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Randomize
