So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
