I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
