Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
