Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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