you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
