If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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