I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
