Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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