There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
