i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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