When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
