Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You should frame my arrest warrant.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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