He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Randomize
