im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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