It's a beautiful day for a hangover
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Send help, water and tortillas.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
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