I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Randomize
