dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
