I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
