I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
