Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
