i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
