i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
