Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
