I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
