Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Randomize
