chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
