At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
