I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
