I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Why did my mother make you get naked?
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