bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
