I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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