I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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