I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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