I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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