Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
