My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
